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| Jurassic Park III (2001) |
I rarely do this, but I'm actually going to go through the whole film from start to finish to showcase exactly why this movie is so dumb. Right from the opening scene, we learn that a company has managed to set up a parasailing company right near Isla Sorna called Dino-Soar. I can usually forgive a pun, but I thought the ending of the previous film suggested they were going to take steps to ensure human interaction with the island would no longer happen. Well, if a company is able to manufacture custom parasails, I'd say business is good for them, so that mission statement from the last film clearly didn't pan out. How the hell did that happen? Why was that allowed to happen? Then, the crew of the boat get attacked... in the middle of the ocean... and we never find out what attacked them... 'kay, and the young boy who was parasailing drifts off onto the island. We then cut to Alan Grant, played wonderfully once again by Sam Neill, and we find out that he and Dr. Satler have since split up. In fact, she now has kids with someone else. So, all of that development from the first film... was for nothing. That relationship which worked so well in the first film... wasted. I don't... I really don't understand why they did that. It didn't add anything to the movie, it didn't cause a change in Dr. Grant's character, so why piss off the audience like that?
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| Sam Neill as Alan Grant |
Dr. Grant and his assistant, Billy, are approached by Mr. and Mrs. Kirby, the estranged parents of the boy who was lost on Isla Sorna 8 weeks prior. But, rather than say 'Our child is on the island and we need your help to find him', they say 'We're adventure-seekers and we want to see the island for our anniversary'. Um... it may be just me, but why lie about that? Pretty much anyone is more likely to help look for a lost child over fulfil someone's life-threatening ambitions. It doesn't mean much anyway, considering Mr. Kirby offers to fund his dig-site, and Dr. Grant agrees to go, despite this being the exact same incentive John Hammond offered him, and look how that turned out. Once they get to the island, we get our first dinosaur attack scene. Yes, it happens that quick. I've mentioned this before, but any good monster movie looking to establish a threat would usually tease the big monster for a few scenes before actually revealing it and having it do some damage. But, instead we get none of that and launch straight into a Spinosaurus attack scene. The scene itself is fine, but without the build-up, I was far less frightened of it than I should have been, which is why you really need that build-up, to establish it as a threat. Where the Spinosaurus was during the events of The Lost World, however, is something I'm willing to overlook, since we do get a nicely executed scene of the Spinosaurus killing a Tyrannosaurus, which was a big 'Oh, damn' moment which I appreciated. What they should have done was have them come across the Tyrannosaurus immediately, it does some damage for a bit, then tease the Spinosaurus, build it up, then have it come in and win a fight against the T. rex. That would have been a far better introduction to this new threat.
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| Spinosaurus |
The group then come the parasail near a Velociraptor nest. Now is probably a good time to mention that while William H. Macy does a fine enough job here, Tea Leoni is insufferable. I hate this character, and I hate this performance. Everything is either no-effort or yelling at the top of her lungs. It reminded my of Willie from Temple of Doom, and that should tell you all you need to know. They are soon attacked by the Velociraptors who have somehow undergone a design change despite that kind of evolution taking much longer than that normally, and Eric, the kid who went missing, comes in out of nowhere and saves Alan. The movie sort of glosses over how he was able to survive this long on his own, and while I wouldn't say it's impossible, the fact that the place they crashed was right near a Velociraptor nest should probably have resulted in a very short stay on the island. Both parties eventually reunite after Eric hears his father's satellite phone ringing... from inside the stomach of the Spinosaurus. And, the fact the phone could somehow be heard over the footsteps of a Spinosaurus is yet another example of how dumb this movie can be. After escaping the Spinosaurus, Dr. Grant discovers that Billy stole some Velociraptor eggs from the nest, hoping to sell them to help the dig. Oh, yeah, it turns out that the Kirbys don't have the money they promised Dr. Grant, so don't ask me how they had the money to get to the island or hire all those other people in the first place. Later, they stumble into a giant birdcage housing a bunch of Pteranodons, and, really, this is the only really well-handled scene in the film. The build-up is nice, the staging is good, it's all pretty solid, not to mention it's something we haven't seen in the other films.
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| Tea Leoni as Amanda Kirby and William H. Macy as Paul Kirby |
They eventually recover the phone, and Dr. Grant calls Ellie for help. The group encounter the Velociraptors again, who have been stalking the group to get their eggs back. Dr. Grant uses a device that mimics the larynx of a Velociraptor to 'speak' to the pack, which was constructed from a fossil they'd discovered earlier in the movie. Um, again, I'm not expert, but aren't vocal cords predominantly made of cartilage? Stuff that would decompose and, therefore, not fossilise? So, this Velociraptor larynx thing should not exist. I'm sorry, I can overlook a lot of pseudo-science in this films, but this is where I draw the line. Particularly because it turns the Raptors, the most threatening presence in both previous movies, into a huge joke. I couldn't take them seriously, I just couldn't, especially not with that stupid larynx thing. But, it's okay, because the army then shows up out of f***ing nowhere to save them. Yeah, turns out Ellie called the navy and the marine corps to save them. And, yet, when a 12-year-old boy goes missing earlier in the film, there's nothing they can do. Um... WHAT? Talk about deus ex machina. Oh, and now we know why Ellie and Grant are no longer together. It's so that he can call her so she can summon the armed forces out of nowhere to make this bulls*** ending happen. What a joke. What a f***ing joke. I'm sorry, but this ending actually made me angry. And, the icing on the cake, as the group all fly off the island, the Pteranodons are also flying away, looking for 'new nesting grounds'. Now, remember how the Pteranodon scene was the only really threatening scene in the film? Yeah, so when this ending happens, I was thinking 'Oh, no. What a horrifying development'. And, yet, the swelling music somehow indicates this is a majestic site, or something, even though these things are inevitably off to the mainland to do some more killing. No? We're not going to address this? We're not going to deal with this new threat to all civilisation? Oh, it's the credits. Well. we're f***ed. And so is this movie.
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| Trevor Morgan as Eric Kirby |
Jurassic Park III (2001) is stupid. It's dull. It's so oddly paced and poorly written, you'd almost suspect they were writing the movie in the process of filming it. And... yeah, that's actually what they did. No wonder it came out bad. I really didn't need to watch this, since I'm almost positive this movie won't have any relevance to the plot of the future films. Shame about my OCD. 2/10.
Next: Jurassic World.
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