Off the Cuff Plays Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex (2001)

*sigh* This is depressing. If there were ever any doubt that I was applying too much nostalgia to me previous reviews, this game destroys all of that. This was the first PlayStation 2 game I ever played, and what a poor start it was. Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex (2001) is one of the poorest letdown sequels I've ever seen, and I remember now why I've never fully completed this game until doing so for this review. Let's get this over with. Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex is a linear platformer developed by Traveller's Tales and published by Vivendi Universal Interactive Publishing and Konami.

Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex (2001)

Cortex has come up with a new plan to take over the world and destroy Crash: a... new bandicoot warrior. However, he has no way to... power his new creation... um... okay, look, for as paper thin as the previous games' plots were, this one is really stretching it. It's cool that we get to see the bandicoot warrior that Cortex always envisioned, but the game treats it as some epic tale that the story really doesn't deserve. The intro cutscene goes for 10 minutes. Jesus. Anyway, they decide to unearth ancient masks known as the Elementals, another neat concept that is kind of mishandled if you ask me, and they work together with Crunch Bandicoot to try and destroy Crash. Luckily, Aku Aku realises that the Elemental masks can be returned to hibernation with the use of crystals and for the love of GOD! Crystals? Again? Despite the fact that the previous games went out of their way to say there were no more power sources left on the planet; that's why time travel was the gimmick of the previous game. So, the game essentially becomes exactly what we've seen in the previous titles: make your way from one end of the level to the other and pick up the crystal. Nothing new or innovative to show off the power of the new console, just the same ol' stuff. Well... actually, no, I'll get to that later, because we first learn that we're collecting these crystals with a portal chamber that Coco built because of course she'd be able to do that from the middle of a remote island far from civilisation. See, 10 minutes in and already I'm angry. This is gonna be fun. Well, not really, but... no, there's nothing else to say. I shouldn't have lied and said this would be fun.

Coco and Crash

Even the visuals are a distinct downgrade, which is really weird for a new console, but exactly 0% of the character models look anywhere near as good as they did in Warped. The textures just aren't there. They all just look like balls of play-doh with no detailing that actually makes them look... good. I'm sorry, but it's a big deal that this game looks worse than even the first Crash Bandicoot game from 5 years earlier. It's a new console! Anyway, the levels themselves look fine enough, but something you'll quickly discover is that rather than there being 7 or 8 different environments with varying obstacles in each one that get more and more difficult as the level types return in future warp rooms, in this game you'll be lucky to see the same environment return even once. Every level is a different location, which would be fine if every level was good, but few are. The problem is that since no level type makes a return, every level has unique enemies to fight, the result of which is that every enemy can be killed by the same attack. With repeating levels from previous games, the enemies could be more varied within the levels themselves, but since each level in this game introduces a new set of enemies, if they changed up how you attack them there would be too many enemies to learn how to kill. I know it seems weird to harp on about this, but it makes the level design really lazy and boring, which is another big deal considering the levels in this game are so much bigger than the previous, and not in a good way. You'll find yourself reaching checkpoint after checkpoint and wondering why the level's still going on. The beauty of the previous games were that every level was pretty much finished in no more than 5 minutes once you got good with them, but here the longest level is around 5 minutes on its own. There is a level that contains over 200 boxes. That is simply overkill. It also doesn't help that the camera is a nightmare. One of the things they've done in this game is make the turns sharper, for some reason. In the previous games, even though there were corners to turn, it was all pretty much the one corridor, and you could see where you were going at all times. Here, when you're turning a corner, visibility becomes zero, and sometimes you'll die because of it. I'm sorry, but when a game is actively working against you, that's a problem. And, you know how some levels in the previous games were climbing up things or functioned more like side-scrollers? Yeah, here side-scrollers are pretty much reserved for bonus rounds, and all platforming levels consist of long corridors with barely any bottomless pits and enemies you can easily jump around that do barely anything to actually hinder you. They made the visuals more varied, but the game itself is pretty much the exact same thing the whole way through.

Compactor Reactor

The same cannot be said for the vehicle segments. You thought they were too common in Warped? You haven't seen anything yet. There are exactly 2 'vehicle' levels that repeat in this game: the swimming levels which are utter garbage since they made it so much slower, especially when you get the submarine, which is a vehicle section within a vehicle section, which is just overkill, and the Atlasphere, which is honestly the only good thing this game has going for it. Basically, Crash is stuck in a ball, and must roll himself around the level, and the physics are perfect, the controls are tight and the corridors are actually fun to roll through. Pretty much every other vehicle level is a bust, and sometimes there are vehicle segments within platforming levels, just in case this game wasn't varied enough. Whereas Warped had 2 vehicle levels every warp room, here you'll be lucky to get 1 level in a warp room that is just a platformer. Here, we get flying a plane, riding a mine cart, driving a jeep, flying a dragonfly, riding a scooter, operating a jetpack, riding a snowboard, hanging off monkeybars, flying a spaceship, operating a mech suit... it's just too much. And, rant incoming, but the level where you race the other characters in a jeep is the single worst Crash level I've ever played. Everything about this level is wrong. The turning arc is non existent, the camera is worse than it is in the other levels, and being fast in this thing is almost a death sentence. Getting the gem on this level was the worst thing I've ever done in any Crash game, and I will go to my grave defending this stance. Another almost cool thing this game does is give Coco her own platforming levels, but whereas in the N. Sane Trilogy it was an aesthetic thing and the two operated exactly the same, in this game, Coco is just plain worse. Not only does she not get any of Crash's power-ups from defeating bosses, but Crash's slide which can lead into a slide-jump which is honestly the most fun part of controlling Crash has been replaced with a leg kick that stops Coco dead in her tracks and slowly sweeps in front of her with her leg. You will never need to use this button. It's the worst. 

Bamboozled

Not even the Elemental masks, for how cool a concept they are, can save this game. While you might think that boss fights about the elements themselves would make for some cool encounters, these are far from exciting. Only the final boss fight really felt like a fun challenge, and the others just ranged from easy to boring. And the struggle for 100% completion? No, no, no. Every single level's box gem can be obtained on the first pass through the level. Seriously. Every single one. There are no puzzles to work out to gain access to new paths through levels, no secret exits to find new areas or new levels entirely, nothing original, nothing to test you, nothing to make you explore, just f***ing NOTHING! Not even the time trials were a decent challenge half the time, since the level design is so nothing that you can just run past the majority of enemies without a second thought. It's pathetic. It's honestly pathetic, and that's probably the best word I can use to describe this game. Alright, alright, I need to talk about some positives, well, Crash is still fun to control, I'll say that. The physics are still fine, jumping still works, slide-jumping is still the most fun thing to do, and the swimming levels are made slightly more bearable when you gain access to the death tornado spin which allows you to speed through the water in record time, that's fun at least. If this game has one saving grace, however, it's the soundtrack. Holy crap, this soundtrack is exquisite. One of the pros to having every level be a different environment is that we get a new track for every level, and they're all top-notch. Honestly, look up the soundtrack online. That way you'll get to listen to a fantastic score, and you won't have to play the game to do it. I can even forgive that the Cortex boss fight music doesn't incorporate the same motif that was in every other Cortex theme, since then music they use is wonderful on its own. This might just be my favourite Crash Bandicoot OST yet: it's multi-genre, it's varied, it's orchestrated wonderfully, it just ticks all my boxes.

Crunch Time

Alas, some great music and the fact that Crash still controls the same doesn't redeem Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex (2001) of all its flaws. I haven't played the other Crash games in a while, but I think I can call it here. This is the worst one. At least, of the main series games, this Crash is the worst Crash, and no one will be able to change my mind. 3/10.

Off the Cuff Plays Crash Bandicoot: Warped (1998)

It's been a while since I posted my review of the previous Crash Bandicoot game, and I need to get this out of the way so I can move on to other things. That might sound like I hate this game, and that couldn't be further from the truth. Crash Bandicoot: Warped (1998) is one of my favourite games ever made. It's just that I would much rather play and talk about this game's predecessor, Cortex Strikes Back. That is the far superior game to me, which, again, isn't to say this game adds nothing to the franchise or isn't enjoyable in its own right, far from it. There are just a few things the previous game does a little better than this game that make me prefer it over this one. Crash Bandicoot: Warped is a linear platformer developed by Naughty Dog and published by Sony Computer Entertainment.

Crash Bandicoot: Warped (1998)

Picking up from where the previous game left off, the falling pieces of the Cortex Vortex crash-land on one of the N. Sanity Islands, coincidentally landing on the prison ruins containing Uka Uka, Aku Aku's evil twin brother. It is revealed that Cortex has been working for Uka Uka the entire time, and while Uka Uka is furious at Cortex for losing the crystals, he forgives him since it was Cortex's actions that set Uka Uka free. Together, they come up with a new plan: using a Time Twister Machine created by Dr. Nefarious Tropy to retrieve the crystals in their original places in time before Crash has a chance to collect them in Crash 2. They send minions into the past to collect them, while Crash and Coco arrive at the Time Twister to recover the crystals before the minions have a chance to. Yes, the game is one giant paradox, but once again, the plot of a cartoon platformer doesn't mean s***. The gameplay is what's important, and the bulk of the game remains virtually unchanged from Cortex Strikes Back. You progress through the levels, collect crystals and break every crate in a level to earn its gem. A lot of levels still have more than one gem, but... I'll get to that later.

Dr. Neo Cortex and Uka Uka

Despite the fact that the visuals all look remarkably similar to Crash 2, the one thing that makes this game stand out is the level variety. Due to the time travel gimmick to the game, there are a lot of diverse levels to explore: prehistory, Ancient Egypt, Medieval England, Arabia and even the future (which makes no sense since the whole point of the game is fetching the crystals in their original places in time meaning there shouldn't be any in the future but the levels are fun so who cares). Maybe it's also just because there are more things on screen at any given time, but this is possibly the best looking Crash game so far. The music is also sensational, although the fact that every Bonus Round or Death Route theme is just a variation of the one track is a little annoying, especially since in Crash 2 every theme was completely unique to the stage, but it's not so bad that it ruins the soundtrack, just bad enough that it doesn't raise the soundtrack above the 2nd game's one for me. The boss battles are better than they've ever been, and I have no qualms about saying that these are the best Crash Bandicoot bosses in the entire series. The new bosses' designs are also outstanding, and Dingodile is my favourite Crash boss ever for obvious reasons. The bosses also do more for you than just letting you advance to the rest of the game. For every boss you defeat you unlock a new power-up for Crash to use in every platforming level, which sounds great, but the level design never really does anything to justify them, which probably isn't the best way to phrase that. Yes, the double-jump and death tornado spin are tremendously useful for taking shortcuts through levels, but there are never any levels that are built around mandatory use of the power-ups, which would have helped this game stand out from Crash 2 just that little bit more. If they'd made levels like what Future Tense for the N. Sane Trilogy ended up being, it could have been not just a great game, but a revolutionary one, but they played it safe. There's actually one other grievance I have with the level design, but I'll get to that later.

Toad Village

Although Crash has had his fair share of vehicle stages in the past, this time they're here in spades, and in fact, there are 2 per warp room. Crash's sister, Coco, even gets a chance to play her own levels for the first time, as she gets to ride a tiger along the Great Wall of China, ride a jetski in pirate waters and fly a biplane in one of the wars, while Crash gets to swim through what I think is Atlantis, ride a motorcycle in a 1950s road race, and he gets his own plane levels too. While I've heard some people complain about these levels before, I don't understand it, I think these levels are a great change of pace from the regular platforming, especially for a 3rd instalment of a series. The tiger levels are a personal favourite of mine, and though these are the only ones I actually prefer to the regular platforming, nothing else is what I'd call 'bad' or even 'unenjoyable'. At the very least, they're all about half the length of a regular platforming level, so if you don't like them, it's not the biggest deal in the world. What also isn't technically the biggest deal in the world but really annoys me is the other issue I have with the level design. In my opinion, this level design is far from clever, and is far too easy for my liking, especially when compared to the previous games. There are some levels with no bottomless pits whatsoever, which effectively turns the levels into long corridors which just enemies and ledges to block your path. The only problem with this, is that despite the wider variety of moves available to Crash, 99% of the enemies in your path can be dispatched with any attack you choose, which not only continues to cheapen the inclusion of the power-ups themselves, but is actually really boring. Remember how the 2nd game had a lot of varied enemies that needed spinning or body-slamming or sliding or jumping or sometimes a combination of two of the above but switching the hitboxes so you could only do one at any given time? Yeah, that's gone, and now a simple spin attack will dispatch pretty much everything in the game. See what I mean when I say this game just doesn't have as good a level-design as Crash 2? If you take the level design of Crash 2 and the level variety of Crash 3, you would create the perfect cartoon platformer, and I do not exaggerate when I say that.

Orient Express

In terms of 100% completion, I'm a little torn. On one hand, on top of the usual crystals and gems, this game adds a whole new collectible called Relics, which you obtain by speeding through each level to get the fastest time possible, while breaking crates along the way which stop the clock, and I really enjoy these. It's not enough to just run from start to finish, you have to know which crates to break or leave to save time, and where to sacrifice Aku Aku masks for the sake of the run, or if you should save them to take advantage of invincibility later in the level. There are three tiers of relic: Sapphire, Gold and Platinum. Another thing I love about this system is though a Sapphire is all you need to get the percentage, you need a Gold or better to get the final gem needed to actually complete the game, which is genius. This keeps the players pushing themselves to get better and better times, adding replay value to the game, which is a great thing for a platformer. However, the thing that clinches it for me that this game just wasn't designed nearly as well as the previous is another thing that relates to 100% completion. Whereas in the previous game you obtained the coloured gems by exploring the levels for something that doesn't look quite right and feeling like a genius for figuring it out, now they're all obtained through the death routes, which previously just gave you extra regular gems. There are still secrets in this game, but there are just two, and they are so completely out there and innocuous that it's honestly baffling. There are no clues, nothing that makes them stand out, just random things that are different, but not visually. Not only that, but whereas in the previous game the majority of levels had 2 gems, here it's the minority, meaning that 80% of the levels can be fully completed on their first pass through. Actually, I did the maths on this, and there are exactly 2 levels that you have to revisit at a later point to get the box gem. Just 2. Do you see what I mean when I say I don't think this game is as well-designed as the second? Don't get me wrong, it's still tremendously fun to play, and I love revisiting this game, but it just doesn't get it quite as right as Cortex Strikes Back did.

Dr. Neo Cortex boss fight

Crash Bandicoot: Warped (1998) is a great game that isn't quite as good as the previous instalment. Give me this game over Crash 1 any day of the week, and there's certainly no shame in a silver medal, especially when that gold medal was as good as it was. I honestly feel bad for saying so many bad things about this game. This is my childhood. This was that game I played the most as a kid. Eh. Whatever. I'm a 'professional' critic now. I calls 'em like I sees 'em. 8.5/10.

And so ends the original Crash Bandicoot trilogy, but I'm not done yet. Every game I've reviewed so far has been positive, so I think it's time for something negative. My next review will be... Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex. I don't think you're ready for how much I hate that game. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Especially if you are Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex. Then you should be the most afraid.

Off the Cuff Reviews Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)

After what the MCU has been through recently, I went into Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018) wanting a fun, exciting movie, and that's exactly what I got. It's not ground-breaking, or overly intense, or thought-provoking in any way, but that's by design. What we have here is another heist movie in the same vein as the original Ant-Man, and after what happened in Infinity War, that's exactly what this movie needed to be, and I loved it. Starring Paul Rudd as Scott Lang / Ant-Man, Evangeline Lilly as Hope van Dyne / The Wasp, Michael Pena as Luis, Walton Goggins as Sonny Burch, Bobby Cannavale as Jim Paxton, Judy Greer as Maggie, Tip "T.I." Harris as Dave, David Dastmalchian as Kurt, Hannah John-Kamen as Ava Starr / Ghost, Abby Ryder Fortson as Cassie Lang, Randall Park as Jimmy Woo, Michelle Pfeiffer as Janet van Dyne, Laurence Fishburne as Bill Foster and Michael Douglas as Hank Pym.

Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)

I mentioned that this film is really a heist movie. Well, that was half right. It's half heist movie, half rescue mission, but notice that I don't use the phrase 'superhero movie' here. Because it's not. It's a heist/rescue movie that just so happens to have superheroes in it. And, really, after 20 MCU movies, this is probably the best thing about this film. One of the big strengths of the MCU is that they're able to adapt multiple different genres into their movies, and when they do, those end up being the most unique. Captain America: The Winter Soldier was a spy thriller, Guardians of the Galaxy is a space opera, Spider-Man: Homecoming was a teenage coming-of-age story, and the same thing applies to this film. That's not to say the superhero stuff isn't noteworthy, of course it is, but the fact that the MCU is able to go multi-genre like this is what's going to give it longevity long after the current phase ends. People are already getting a little sick of the traditional Marvel formula (I'm not, but some people are), so the fact that they're able to switch things up both in terms of genre in a film like this, themes in a film like Black Panther and tone in a film like Avengers: Infinity War is a sign of how confident Marvel have become with their story-telling. The three films Marvel have given us this year are an indication of Marvel's range and the fact that all of them were excellent shows us their staying power.

Evangeline Lilly as Janet van Dyne and Paul Rudd as Scott Lang

Don't get me wrong, though. When it needs to be a superhero movie, it's extremely entertaining. The action scenes are superb, and they take advantage of every side of Ant-Man and the Wasp's abilities to give us some really unique set pieces. And I do mean every side. We get the shrinking, the making other objects grow bigger, the ant-control, which is honestly way more impressive here than it was in the first movie. We even get a lot of scenes with Scott as Giant-Man after getting a taste of it in Civil War, and all of that is really great too. The shrinking powers these two have are really the most exciting to watch out of any of the Marvel heroes, and the macro-photography for when they're tiny is still really impressive stuff, but it's just as impressive when Scott is Giant-Man. In fact, the visuals all-round are really great stuff. I love how they brought the villain to life visually, and we'll get to her later, but the way she was constantly flickering in and out of form was very impressive. I don't really have a segue into this, so I'll just say it here: the comedy in this movie is top-notch. After Thor: Ragnarok, this might just be the funniest Marvel film, though it close with the Guardians of the Galaxy movies.

Michael Pena as Luis

The cast is sensational. I really don't have any other words for them. Just fantastic all-round. Paul Rudd is just as great as he's always been, and he continues to prove that there was no other cast for Ant-Man. Evangeline Lilly is just as good in her enhanced role, and the chemistry between the two is pitch perfect, which helps to sell the romance on them a little better, which was one of the things about the original that wasn't quite there. Michael Pena is hilarious, just as he was in the original, and Harris and Dastmalchian still work very well off him, leading to some hilarious non-sequiturs. Michael Douglas is still absolutely flawless as Hank Pym, and I'm so happy he was given more to do here, not that he was underused in the first film, but here he's given more range, which I'm all for. I'm also ecstatic that they found a suitable match for him in the form of Michelle Pfeiffer. She's not in the film for long, but when she's there, she's brilliant. Just as Rudd and Lily's chemistry works, Douglas and Pfeiffer's chemistry is 100% perfect. I have no issues believing these two have been married for 30+ years. It's unfeasible at this point, but if you can give me a standalone movie focusing specifically on Michael Douglas and Michelle Pfeiffer, I'd watch that movie 'til the day I die.

Michael Douglas as Hank Pym

And now, we need to talk about everyone's favourite punching-bag of any Marvel movie: the villain. We've had two incredibly strong villains this year, in the form of Michael B. Jordan's Killmonger and Josh Brolin's Thanos, which is why I feel like everyone's going to dislike the villain we got in this movie, but while she doesn't quite rise to the heights of the other villains we've had this year, I still thought she was really good. It's a more personal motivation for this villain, which I'm not against. One of the most compelling attributes a villain can have for me is desperation, and they leant into this angle just enough that it made her really sympathetic in places, which is only aided by the fact that her back-story is genuinely sad. I have no problem understanding her motivations or actions throughout the film. Not to mention, she's acted well by Hannah John-Kamen, and her abilities are really impressive, not just visually, but in the action as well. I feel like the only real let-down for her character was in how they ended her story. I just felt that it was a little too clean, and the phrase 'deus ex machina' comes to mind. She's not a huge focus, so it's not that big a deal, but I feel like it could have been a little stronger as a conclusion.

Hannah John-Kamen as Ava Scott

In summary, Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018) was a fantastically entertaining time and I'm sure to return to this again and again. Time will tell where it ranks amongst the other MCU films, but I can say confidently that it ranks higher than the original Ant-Man, and given how much I loved the first Ant-Man, that should tell you all you need to know. 9/10.

Off the Cuff Plays Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back (1997)

Okay. This is the one. If ever I had to overlook nostalgia, it's here. Simply put, there was a time when I considered Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back (1997) my favourite video game of all time. I was in love with this game. And today? Yeah, that's about right. I still love this game. Whether or not I'd call it my favourite of all time is another story, but one thing that cannot be denied is that this game is one of the best sequels ever made. Everything from the first game was improved and amplified, and I will delight in being able to talk about it now. Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back is a linear platformer developed by Naughty Dog and published by Sony COmputer Entertainment.

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back (1997)

After his defeat in the previous game, Cortex discovers a new source of power in the form of ancient crystals, and wishes to gather all of them in order to power his Cortex Vortex and enslave the world. However, with his animal army disbanded, he turns to Crash himself, tricking him into thinking he needs the crystals to save the world from an upcoming planetary alignment. Though Crash believes Cortex, Dr. Brio from the previous game also gets in touch, telling him that the gems are needed to stop Cortex, and as long as Crash is working for him, he will be sending his minions out to kill him in the form of the boss battles. So, a little bit more story here than in the previous game, and while it's an interesting one, it's ruined by the fact that the player character has motivations that conflict with what the player knows. Call it dramatic irony, that has no place here. Yes, it's not a big deal but it is a little frustrating that to advance the game, you have to do the one thing you've been told is a bad thing to do. All of the gameplay from Crash 1 is back, though Crash has more moves in his repertoire. He can slide into enemies, belly-flop onto enemies, slide jump for greater height and distance, and there are a wider variety of vehicles. While the first game only had the hog riding, this game has polar bear riding, jet-skiing and jetpack flying.

Crash Bandicoot and Dr. Neo Cortex

So, this game takes everything that made Crash 1 great, culls everything that didn't, and adds more into the mix, truly making it a phenomenal sequel. The graphics are so much cleaner than they were in the previous; everything just seems a lot less polygonal and more smooth, and Crash's model received an overhaul. It also helps that the environments are much more varied this time, and we have locales such as the Antarctic, a sewer, space, a swamp, ancient ruins, and they all look stellar. The soundtrack also received a welcome buff, and these tracks are much more melodic than the previous game. This game features some of my favourite video game tracks of all time, with the jet-pack music and the Cortex boss music being significant highlights. Crash also controls much better, particularly in the air. You have a lot more control over where Crash goes whilst in the air, making those terrifying jumps over bottomless pits much more manageable. Slid-jumping feels amazing to do, and when you get good with it you can pull off some really impressive shortcuts. The vehicle segments also handle really well, though some (the jet-pack) take a bit of getting used to. Even if you're not a fan of these gameplay segments, they're over really quickly, and there's not many of them anyway.

Snow Go

While the core gameplay of 'get to the end of the level' hasn't changed, there is a lot of new stuff here. You know have a central warp room for accessing levels, and you can pick 1 of 5 levels in any order you wish, and once you beat them all, you can take on a boss fight for access to the next area. While I miss the feeling of going on one big adventure, this is a far better option for gameplay. The crystals themselves are really hard to miss, and really just serve as a vessel for playing the levels themselves rather than being a final goal for you. The gems are back, and you still get 1 in each level for breaking all the boxes, but this time you can die as much as you like in a level, and still get the gem if you've broken every crate, which is a more than welcome improvement. The take-away is that it's generally a lot harder to break every box. There are a lot of hidden paths throughout levels which lead to other levels and give you new areas to break boxes. Some gems are flat-out impossible to get on a first playthrough, and you have to really experiment with what looks out of place in order to find everything, which I really like. For a linear platformer to do something like what an open-world platformer would do is really impressive. Not to mention, some levels also have a second gem which you get for completing some other objective. The majority of the time it's through the Death Routes, which you must access without dying up to that point (a holdover from Crash 1) and finish the path you're taken to. Other times, it could be practically anything, and this is where the experimenting comes into play. The secrets themselves are not so hidden as to be impossible, but they're subtle enough that you feel like a genius when you figure it out. 100%ing this game for the first time is one of the most satisfying things I've ever done in a game, and it's something that I can now do in one sitting if I feel like it. I know the level paths inside and out, a testament to the amazing level design at play here.

The Eel Deal

Even though there's a bigger variety of levels on display, the core bottomless pit level design hasn't changed, though sometimes the 'bottomless pits' are water for Crash to drown in, or pools of electric eels. It's not always hopping over pits like it was in the first game, and even though some levels don't have any pits at all, the level design never gets boring or predictable. Just when you think you've seen all there is to see from a level type, they throw something new at you, and you have to stay on your toes and not get too complacent. Not to mention, the enemies have adjusted somewhat for Crash's new moveset. There are some enemies that can only be defeated with a slide, or just a spin, or even some that alternate between the two. Especially when it comes to the tight corridors packed with enemies, you need to be on alert, juggling between the 3 action buttons at maximum efficiency, otherwise you'll slip up and die. That said, the challenge is never too ridiculous or hard to overcome. The progression of difficulty throughout is a perfect rise, and it's all done so effortlessly it's almost upsetting. The only real drawback to this game is that the boss battles are still a little too easy. Granted, they're more entertaining to play, for the most part, and this time 3 out of the 5 bosses are what I'd consider genuinely good fights. Unfortunately, one of the two that disappoints is the final fight against Cortex, if you could call it a fight. It's just a chase down a corridor, it's so disappointing. The music can only do so much, and though it doesn't ruin the game, it's the one misstep that pulls this game back from what could have been a perfect score.

Tiny Tiger

But, honestly, I have too much fun with this game to care. Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back (1997) is just amazing. Childhood me wasn't wrong: this is one of my favourite video games I've ever played. Only time and future reviews will tell if it ends up being the best. 9.5/10.

Off the Cuff Plays Crash Bandicoot (1996)

After proudly proclaiming several months ago 'I do video game reviews now', the fact that I've only done the one so far is abysmal. So, I figured that I'd better put out a new one, and this is a biggun. The original Crash Bandicoot (1996) holds a special place in my heart, as it's the first video game I ever played. I'll do my best to put aside the nostalgia for this one, but I make no promises. Crash Bandicoot is a linear platformer developed by Naughty Dog and published by Sony Computer Entertainment.

Crash Bandicoot (1996)

Dr. Neo Cortex is an evil genius hell-bent on world domination. His method of choice: genetically mutating animals into an army for his cause. And the animal he chooses to be the general of his 'Cortex Commandos'? A... bandicoot. Fine. Unfortunately, something goes wrong and the bandicoot, named Crash, escapes. Cortex settles on Crash's girlfriend, Tawna, to be his next subject, and now Crash is on a journey to save her. Like Spyro, this is another simplistic story that really only serves as a vessel for the game to happen as opposed to being a key part of the game. Much like the story, the gameplay is also very simplistic, which is good considering this was one of the first ever 3D platformers. Crash can run, jump and spin to attack enemies, and that's really it. Each level is a straight-forward path to the goal, with the occasional deviation here and there, and they are all chock full of crates for Crash to break and obtain Wumpa fruit. 100 Wumpa fruits equals a new life. Some crates also house Aku Aku, a witchdoctor mask, which grants Crash an extra hit before dying. Collecting 3 masks without taking a hit gives Crash temporary invincibility.

Dr. Nitrus Brio and Dr. Neo Cortex with Crash

This game still looks great. Not flawless, the occasional sprite or environment looks a little out of place and Crash's sprite is a little dopey, but it holds up reasonably well. Even though the story is fairly simplistic, it works towards the level design in a really clever way. Each level can be considered another chapter in Crash's adventure, but the little touches here and there really tell a bigger story, such as the way the silhouette of Cortex's castle gets closer and closer as you progress. Also, though at first you may be wondering why there is a ruins stage on the 3rd island when the 2nd island was the one predominantly featuring the ruins, its placement on the world map suggests Cortex built has castle on top of them, which really says something about his character beyond world domination. Sadly, the nature of this means that there is little variation in the level themes. Everything is pretty much either a jungle, a ruin or an industrial level. It makes the most sense for the story, but it does little to spice things up. Another thing that feels pretty samey is the soundtrack, and while it is good, it's all pretty repetitive bass tracks with little melody. It's still good, but the tracks are short and loop frequently, which can make things frustrating especially if you keep dying on a particular level.

N. Sanity Beach

Crash's movements are fairly responsive, and he controls really well. Of course, there's nothing super intuitive about the controls, they're all pretty basic, but that's part of what makes this game so good to control. There's nothing complicated about it, just run, jump and spin. You would expect this would mean there was little variation with the enemies in the levels, but there's actually a surprising amount of variety here, not just with the placement and attack patterns, but there are a bunch of enemies that you need to take a different approach to instead of just spinning into them recklessly, and some you can't even kill at all. The enemies are really more like additional platforming challenges at times, which is really good stuff. This leads into the best part of this game, which is the level design itself. It's all really well thought-out, and even the the entire game can be amounted to a series of hops over bottomless pits, it never felt that way, as the level design finds a way to keep things really fresh even between levels with the same theme. It's hard to explain, but no level felt the exact same as another, even if they shared the same environment, and this really helped for memorising the lay-outs. Unfortunately, it's clear this is where all the effort went, as the other level type, the bosses, are far from impressive. There are only a couple that I'd actually call really good, the last two, and the others are honestly really weak. At least their designs are cool, and I like the characters themselves, but the fights? Not worth mentioning.

Road to Nowhere

There's also a decent amount here for completionists like me. Each level has a gem, and some have coloured gems which open up new paths in other levels to break more crates and earn more gems. A couple of levels even have keys which unlock new levels entirely. However, the way you get these gems is by breaking every crate in a stage without dying once, which can be a nightmare at times, especially in the really long levels like Sunset Vista or Slippery f***ing Climb. Keys are not much better, as you need to collect all 3 Cortex tokens in a level, then complete the Cortex bonus round on your first attempt, and if you fail it, you need to exit the entire level and try again. 100%ing this game can be a chore at times, since you'll need to keep exiting and restarting a level if you're not incredibly familiar with the layouts. And the cherry on the cake? There's no easy way to save the game. In order to save your game, or get a password to input to return you to where you're up to, you need to either earn a gem or key, or collect all 3 Tawna tokes in some levels, and complete that bonus round on your first attempt. If the visuals haven't dated, these gameplay elements certainly have. For a completionist, Crash Bandicoot is a nightmare, and I wouldn't attempt to 100% this game until you've memorised every level completely, which, of course, I have. Thankfully, for those of you just looking to beat a game, Crash Bandicoot is quick, simple and fun, and I'm living proof that as an introduction to platformers, or even video games in general, it's a great one.

Slippery Climb

Crash Bandicoot (1996) is a flawed game, but an enjoyable one, and it's a classic for a reason. If you have a chance to play this game, take it, and you won't regret it. Of course, Crash would only get better in years to come, but we'll get there eventually. 7.5/10.

My Rating System

I've put up a lot of reviews now, and though I use the standard 'out of 10' rating system, I don't think I ever explained how I use that scale. What someone sees as a 6, someone else might interpret completely differently. So, 79 reviews late, here's my ranking system, from 0 to 10. I've used the term 'movie' a lot here, but this applies to TV shows and games as well.

0 - A movie that insulted me. There is nothing redeeming about this movie, and the one or two good things about it are not enough for me. I hate this movie with a passion.

1- A trash movie that nobody should watch, aside from that one enjoyable scene or that character that saved it somewhat.

2- A boring movie that doesn't make any sense, but maybe the cinematography was good, or there were a few enjoyable moments.

3- An inconsistent movie. Maybe part of it was fine, but it was mostly bad.

4- We're getting there, and maybe this film wasn't a complete waste of time, but the cons still outweigh the pros.

5- A confusing movie, with just as many pros as there are cons. A film that you don't really know what to think about, where you could agree with almost anyone's opinion of it.

6- The first 'good' film on the list, and although there were still things about it that annoyed or angered you, it's still a film you'd recommend.

7- Just a fun movie. Nothing particularly special or groundbreaking, and maybe not even the most intelligent movie, but a film you can turn your brain off to and enjoy.

8- Hell yeah, now we're talking. This is a movie that knows what it is, and while it might not succeed 100% of the time, it entertained you very much.

9- Near perfection. Maybe there were a couple of things that stood out to you and you can't quite overlook, but it's still a movie that you could watch again and again and never tire of.

10- A masterpiece. It doesn't matter if there are a couple of flaws, those issues are so insignificant that it doesn't affect the overall package. A film you could watch for the rest of your life and be totally happy with.


As for the halfway marks between whole numbers (3.5, 8.5, etc), they land somewhere in the middle of the above system. Maybe a 4.5 is a movie you dislike, but you can understand why people might enjoy it. I'm discovering that I usually give out a 5.5 to a movie that you enjoy even though you probably shouldn't (Spider-Man 3, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull).

Anyway, that's my system, and I hope this has helped clarify some things about my reviews. Sometimes a number can be misleading, but if you use this guide, you should be able to determine with accuracy where a movie lands for me, and where it would land for you in your own system. Keep it in mind when reading my previous reviews, and the many reviews to come.

Off the Cuff Reviews Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

I'm so sick of seeing the words 'the movie nobody asked for'. What the hell does that matter if the movie is good? And the fact that some people use it to criticise a movie is beyond me. When it's justified, fair enough, but with a movie like Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018), the fact that supposedly nobody asked for this movie and it turned out this great surely just makes it better. Starring Chris Pratt as Owen Grady, Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing, Rafe Spall as Eli Mills, Justice Smith as Franklin Webb, Danielle Pineda as Dr. Zia Rodriguez, James Cromwell as Sir Benjamin Lockwood, Toby Jones as Gunnar Eversol, Ted Levine as Ken Wheatley, B. D. Wong as Dr. Henry Wu, Isabella Sermon as Maisie Lockwood, Geraldine Chaplin as Iris and Jeff Goldblum as Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Let me clarify two things in this opening paragraph. I feel that this instalment of the Jurassic franchise gets two very important things exactly right that every other Jurassic movie did to varying levels of success. The first is to build the tension around the dinosaurs making them seem like monsters. Holy crap, did they nail this. That first scene in particular was extremely well-paced, it delivered on the scares, and it did the whole 'build up the threat so that when it appears it's even scarier thing' flawlessly, and that was just for one scene. The whole movie is like that. When it wants to establish a threat, it does an excellent job of building it up. The other thing the movie nails is making the dinosaurs feel like actual animals. In fact, I think this movie succeeds on this front far better than any Jurassic movie before it. Not just with the visuals, I'll get to that later, but the way the story is set up, it really makes you feel for the animals and helps you make the kind of connection with them that you would with any other animal in that same situation, and it's just so effective. This Jurassic movie does the best job of balancing that dichotomy of treating the dinosaurs both like monsters and like real animals, which is no small feat, and I don't think it should be overlooked.

Blue and Chris Pratt as Owen Grady

But, onto the presentation. This is by leaps and bounds the best looking Jurassic movie. You know my opinion of the heavy use of CGI in the previous film: I wasn't against it and it still looked fine. Here, they find a much better balance between CGI and practical effects, and I'll admit this looks far superior. It's also important to note here that they found a way to make each animal visually distinct from each other, which is important since there's a bigger variety of dinosaurs in this film, and it would be very easy to confuse them with each other, but they find a way to avoid that from happening. In particular, the design of the Indoraptor is glorious, and I love how menacing it looks with the yellow stripe. Great stuff. The other thing to mention is the soundtrack. The Jurassic soundtracks have always been impressive, but this might just be my favourite, mainly because it does something with its music that no other Jurassic film has done. I won't give away what it is, but trust me, it's a treat for the ears. I was also impressed by how reserved they were with just using the original Jurassic Park theme. Don't get me wrong, it's here, but I only noticed it in a couple of scenes, and they were some of the more quiet moments. When getting sweeping shots of the island or when everyone is gazing at a dinosaur on the island for the first time, it would have been so easy to break out that main theme and just let the nostalgia do the talking, but they allow the movie to stand on its own, which I like.

The Indoraptor

The other thing this movie does that I really appreciate is it left me guessing with its plot. I couldn't always predict where it was going, and I don't just mean with the plot twists they pulled out, which I thought were genuinely shocking and well-executed. The story itself ended up going places I wasn't expecting it to, especially with how it was set up in the first act. I remember thinking something like 'Oh, this again', and I'm trying to be as vague as possible to avoid spoiling it, but it didn't do 'this again'. I read a review that used the phrase 'adds nothing to the Jurassic franchise' and I thought, 'How? How does this add nothing?' If anything, it adds the most, as it actively takes steps to move the franchise away from the stories its been telling for 5 movies and it sets up something new, which I'm all for. This is the first time I've walked out of a Jurassic movie genuinely saying 'I can't wait for the sequel'. The other great thing the story allows for are the emotional moments. Yeah, I said it, there are some real tear-jerker scenes in here. I don't dare tell you where they are, but I was legitimately welling up in my seat, and as you may know, it takes a lot for a piece of media to make me cry, so they pulled it off extremely effectively.

Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm

You may have noticed I haven't talked about the characters yet, and that's because, yeah, they're a little bland, but I wouldn't argue that's a bad thing. As I said in my Jurassic World review, it's by design. If the characters were super complex, it would just detract from what we're here to see: the dinosaurs and their story. Because, that's what this story is really about. The other Jurassic movies were about the human characters, but this one is first and foremost about the dinosaurs, so is it any surprise that the humans are sort of pushed to the side? The ones in the forefront are still solid, in my opinion, and the acting is great across the board, so I didn't mind it. The one human arc that is fleshed out and compelling is handled very well, and I won't reveal what it is for spoilers, so let's leave it at that. The only other thing I'll say is that there are couple of logic inconsistencies. Mainly the ones about lava physics and the fact that that's not how blood transfusions work. Do they detract a little? Yeah, but I wouldn't argue they break the movie. There's too much good stuff in here to count: the gyrosphere scene, the entire third act, Owen's relationship with Blue, so I'm willing to overlook a couple of errors. That's how I view inaccuracies in movies: the more entertaining they are, the more I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for. Take the first Jurassic Park. It has its inconsistencies and plot inaccuracies, but I still gave it a 10 because nothing ruins the movie. Jurassic Park III, on the other hand, has the plot errors I notice more because of how boring the film is. I'm more likely to pull the movie up on them because it hasn't pulled me in. This film pulled me in, and pulled me in well, so I can acknowledge those inaccuracies, but not necessarily crucify the movie for them.

Isabella Sermon as Maisie Lockwood

Guys, I'm sorry, but Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) is just an excellent movie, and easily the 2nd best Jurassic film. I feel like these films get a lot of hate in the same way the new Star Wars films do (and I'll get to them, trust me) but to me, it feels very unwarranted. I had a blast with this film, and I can't wait to see what the franchise does next. 9.5/10.

And that's all the Jurassic films. Can't wait to see what's coming next with this franchise. But, now, back to your regularly unscheduled miscellaneous reviews.