Must-See May Day #29: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

It's over. It's finally f***ing over. I never have to sit through one of these f***ing movies ever again. I knew I'd get mad when I put this franchise on my list, and I was okay with that. If all I did was good movies, there'd be no point. But, holy s***, I was not prepared for just how awful this series would get. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012) is an atrocious movie. There are no other words. It's just awful. Starring Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black, Billy Burke as Charlie Swan, Peter Facinelli as Carlisle Cullen, Elizabeth Reaser as Esme Cullen, Kellan Lutz as Emmett Cullen, Nikki Read as Rosalie Hale, Jackson Rathbone as Jasper Hale, Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen, Michael Sheen as Aro and Dakota Fanning as Jane.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

Seriously, I need to take this movie scene by scene just to show you how reprehensible I find this film. I'd say 'spoiler alert' but I honestly don't give a f*** at this point. So, we open the film after Bella has been turned into a vampire and we get some scenes of her hunting and trying to control her thirst. At this point, I'd like to play devil's advocate and say that this is the best Kristen Stewart has been in the role. She's not moping around or acting all emo and she's finally an interesting character, as she can't control her thirst and starts hunting a human. But, oh wait, but then she suddenly can for some reason, and that's the end of that. ...Okay. Then they discuss what to do about Charlie, and the best thing they can come up with is to tell him Bella died and then move away. Jacob, not wanting that to happen since he imprinted on Renesmee, which is still super f***ing creepy, by the way, reveals himself as a werewolf to Charlie. And right when that exchange was getting interesting the scene just ends and that's the end of that. ...Okay. The Cullens try to teach Bella how to appear human to Charlie even though she's only been a vampire for about a day and shouldn't have to be taught this stuff but never mind, and she and Charlie have a conversation that ultimately amounts to 'I can't tell you what happened but something did happen and you can't ask me about it', which means Jacob revealing himself to Charlie was entirely pointless, since Bella didn't reveal her supernatural nature so there was no reason for Jacob to do so. ...Okay.

Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan

We see Renesmee growing up incredibly fast, which they claim to be a problem for staying covert in the area. Then, one of the vampires sees Renesmee and assumes she is an 'Immortal Child' without asking any questions. What's an Immortal Child? Well, since this is the 5th entry in the franchise, of course it's only now that we learn about this incredibly important aspect of vampire lore. Look, I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. Say what you will about other franchises like Harry Potter or even The Hunger Games, but at least they gave you all the information you needed to know early so that their finales could function as finales. Here it just seems like s*** was made up as the author went along, and no thought was put into how it would all work as a package which, let's be honest, is exactly the case here. So, now the awesome Volturi from that one scene in this entire franchise that I genuinely enjoyed are scared of a f***ing one-year-old, so they decide to wait an awfully long time before making their move, allowing the Cullens to amass an army of their own and gain the upper hand. Why do they do this? I don't know, ask the writers. Oh, wait, they don't know either.

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen

So, the middle chunk of the movie is essentially a whole bunch of vampires coming together, learning that Renesmee is no threat and waiting around for the Volturi to come so they can attempt to reason with them or fight them if need be. And what's the super important Renesmee doing this whole time? Nothing. F***ing nothing except sometimes being swapped out for that ugly CGI monstrosity, and that is a huge problem. The entire movie is focused around protecting Renesmee, but if we don't know her personality or who she is as a character, then we can't make a connection and the movie becomes trivial. The Volturi might be right. Renesmee could be a danger to them, but we don't know because we never find out who Renesmee is. Oh, and it's also at this point that Bella just gives up on the whole 'My dad can't know' thing, as she's now allowing Charlie to have extended contact with a year-old Renesmee who looks 10 years old and no one bats a f***ing eyelid. Seriously, the middle section of this movie is so f***ing boring. It also doesn't help that the vampire brethren that we meet FOR THE FIRST TIME are not given enough time to connect with us either. We don't learn a thing about any of them, beyond whatever convenient vampire power they've been given. Seriously, they're not even trying anymore. A vampire that can control the elements, or make people see whatever they want them to see? How is this a contest? This fight should be over in a second with people like that on their side!

Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black

Speaking of which, the last part of the movie begins with a fight scene between the Cullens and the werewolves, and the Volturi and it's... okay. I mean, it doesn't help that we don't know anyone on screen, but it's... good enough. Some entertaining things happen, there are consequences, people die, and it's gotten to the point where things actually happening in a Twilight movie is a breath of fresh air. Until, oh wait, until we reveal that none of it was actually happening and it was just one of Alice's visions to the Volturi. ... They actually went there? They actually did the whole 'it was all a dream' schtick? Because, that's what that plot device is: a schtick. It's not clever, it's not interesting, it's just a gimmick. Yeah, because God forbid something actually happened in one of these movies. Thank God there are no consequences or stakes or anything. And then, another two people that, again, WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE come out of nowhere and diffuse the situation. Okay, se where were they in the vision? Were they just waiting back while their allies died? And, moreover, why did Aro, upon seeing the vision, not say, 'Thanks, now we know which tactics not to use in this battle'? He just changes his mind for no f***ing reason! But, never mind that, we have Bella and Edward's happy ending and Jacob's really bizarre line where he basically says that he's already starting thinking of Renesmee as his wife which is just the final nail in the coffin for that whole subplot, and then we literally get a storybook ending which ends with what I can only assume are the final lines of the book literally shown to us on screen. But, the movie doesn't stop outraging me there. We then get 13 F***ING MINUTES of credits, the bulk of which are a painfully slow sign-off on everyone who has ever appeared in any Twilight movie, with at least 2 seconds of footage for each. Why is this so reprehensible to me? Because the first 3 minutes of this film already began with a painfully slow credit-roll for the cast of the current movie! To me, that says one thing: they knew. They f***ing knew they didn't have enough content to fill two movies, and instead of doing something like making the supporting characters interesting or expand upon the interesting ideas like Bella not being able to control her thirst or Charlie finding stuff out, which you'd think he would being a f***ing police officer and everything, but they instead chose to add padding. They chose to bloat this story out to two full movies when even as one movie this wouldn't have been a very compelling story. That is actually insulting to me. This movie made even more money than the previous, so it worked. And that's even worse.

Michael Sheen as Aro

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012) is despicable. It's flat-out garbage. For the one or two scenes that started out interesting, I can't say it's as bad as Part 1, but it still doesn't deserve any respect from me. 0.5/10. Thank God this franchise is finally behind me.

Tomorrow: Alien: Covenant.

Must-See May Day #28: Terminator Genisys (2015)

Okay, so as we near the end of the month, we encounter a lot of sequels that are released many years down the road from the original movies in their franchises, and I feel like these are the sequels that cop the most flack. I think it's in an audience's nature to naturally hate a film like Terminator Genisys (2015) just because it shares a franchise with a nostalgic classic, and any missteps are treated as massive insults to the world-renowned films that came before it. Sometimes, this is earned, like in Terminator Salvation, but here? I don't see it. This is a good movie. On par with the original two? Of course not, but it's not without its merits and I genuinely liked it. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as T-800, Jason Clarke as John Connor, Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor, Jai Courtney as Kyle Reese and J. K. Simmons as O'Brien.

Terminator Genisys (2015)

So, this film deals in alternate timelines, something which I find fascinating, but a lot of people can find them too confusing for them to handle. That's not to say those people are stupid, it's just that I've consumed a lot of media involving time travel and alternate timelines with stuff like Doctor Who and Back to the Future and I think I understand this film's version of time-travel well enough to enjoy myself here. One of the best parts about doing a time-travel story is that no one can accurately say 'That's not how it works' since no one has ever time-travelled before that we know of, so the rules for how things work can be flexible. Here, and like in the other Terminator films that use this as a concept, the rules seem to be that whenever someone travels back in time, it's creating a new timeline, but that doesn't mean the old timeline didn't happen. It's sort of like how it works in Back to the Future, except we don't get to see the effects that take place when Kyle Reese theoretically returns to the future, so we can't say for certain. Look, I'm going into depth on this topic since it is a major part of the story, moreso than in the other Terminator films, and not figuring out how things work can really stifle your enjoyment of the package as a whole, but understanding the film's logic can go a long way to helping you appreciate the film for what it is.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as T-800

And, what this film is boils down to just being a fun time. It's a fun movie, much like the original Terminator films. Right off the bat, I was a big fan of the film's premise. I'm glad they incorporated time-travel into the story since that's Terminator's gimmick (unlike in Salvation) and it makes complete sense that things didn't go the same way as they did last time in the original Terminator. When the timelines changed in the original trilogy, so did Skynet, so of course things would be different when it came time to send Kyle Reese back. It gives us a chance to see the events from the first film but slightly updated and with a different skin. Different not necessarily meaning better or worse, just different. And, once again, just because the timeline changed doesn't mean the original timeline never happened. Kyle Reese remembers the original timeline, as does John Connor. The best part of this, however, is we get another T2 style reveal, and while it's not as good as it was in Judgment Day, or nearly as surprising, it was very well executed, and it actually gave me chills.

Jason Clarke as John Connor

Arnie's back, and he's by far the best thing about this movie. I genuinely believe that nobody else could play this role as well as he could; the part of the T-800 was almost tailor-made for Mr. Schwarzenegger, and he hasn't lost his touch with time. The one-liners are here and they're all perfectly delivered, including the throwbacks you knew were coming. Gah, it's all so amazing, any time Arnie's onscreen, he's crushing it, and he steals the spotlight with every scene. The remainder of the cast play their parts well-enough, to varying degrees. Jason Clarke is a far better John Connor than Christian Bale was, and the route they took here was an interesting one that didn't betray the character, but still threw a few twists into the mix. Jai Courtney was great as Kyle Reese, and while I still prefer Michael Biehn's performance, Courtney is still excellent, and I can certainly see Kyle Reese in his performance. However, Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor didn't quite sell me. It doesn't help that she looks barely anything like Linda Hamilton (alternate timelines can only excuse so much), but I only saw one or two moments that truly had me believing this was Sarah Connor. It wasn't that her performance was bad, it was just that she didn't quite channel Linda Hamilton as much as she should have, and that's something you need to do if you're going to pick up the reigns of a beloved character like that. She just seemed like she was acting, not portraying Linda Hamilton's Sarah Connor as well as she could have been. Oh, and J. K. Simmons is perfect in practically everything he's in, and this is no exception, so let's move on.

Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor

The action scenes were... okay. They were enjoyable enough, but there was nothing here that seemed any different from any other Terminator film. Well, except for the helicopter dogfight, that s*** was excellent, but beyond that? Same ol' same ol'. Beyond that, though, this film does suffer an awful lot of sequelitis, especially in its execution of the main plot. We've already seen Judgment Day twice before now, and showing us the build-up to Judgment Day again is getting a little old. If you're going to keep giving us that countdown to the end of the world, you need to switch things up a bit. Another problem the film suffers from is 'We're definitely getting a sequel because we're part of a huge franchise'-itis. The film asks a lot of questions that it has no intention of answering, and from the sound of things, the next Terminator film will be very different from this one, so I don't think we'll ever be getting those answers, which is a shame. I don't care if it makes the film feel bloated, I'd rather a film explain everything (especially the things that are vital to the plot) rather than assume they'll be able to answer those questions in an inevitable sequel.

Jai Courtney as Kyle Reese

All things considered, Terminator Genisys (2015) was a fun time, and while it has its problems, it's far from the worst Terminator film. Leagues ahead of Salvation, and a little more enjoyable than Rise of the Machines. It's the 3rd best Terminator film, and I'll gladly watch it again. I'd just have to answer my own questions about things I'll never be given concrete answers to. 7.5/10.

Tomorrow: it finally ends in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2.

Must-See May Day #27: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (2015)

Alright, alright, enough already. White flag. I was wrong. The Hunger Games is an objectively good series. Congratulations, universe. You win. Teenage me is rolling in his grave. Adult me couldn't care less, however, as The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (2015) delivers not only an extremely satisfying conclusion to the saga, but also provides the franchise's best instalment of the bunch. Go out with a bang, I guess. Starring Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen, Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Mellark, Liam Hemsworth as Gale Hawthorne, Woody Harrelson as Haymitch Abernathy, Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket, Julianne Moore as President Alma Coin, Philip Seymour Hoffman as Plutarch Heavensbee, Jeffrey Wright as Beetee Latier, Stanley Tucci as Caesar Flickerman and Donald Sutherland as President Coriolanus Snow.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (2015)

The biggest thing to address in this review is the same thing that I needed to address in my review for Mockingjay - Part 1: did this story warrant being split into two movies? I mentioned in that review that it seemed like it would have been difficult to cram the previous movie's story into half the runtime, and the same applies here. I can't think of how they could have gotten this story and these themes across accurately and effectively if they only had 2 hours. Splitting this story in half was the right approach, especially by the end. I can't say too much here, but let's just say that there were thoughts I had in Part 1 that I thought were interesting and hoped they would do more with, and they did exactly that in Part 2. This story has a lot of twists, but more importantly it has a lot of shifts in the dynamics between characters, and if you only had one movie to get from point A to point B, it just wouldn't have been as effective. So, yeah, in this case it does feel necessary, and even though this movie would go on to receive a lot of hate for doing so, I do feel like it was the right choice here.

Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Mellark

One of the cleverest things this movie does is take the siege of the Capitol and make it seem an awful lot like another Hunger Games. The movie's not exactly subtle about this, but it is effective. The traps, the warring factions, the deaths, it all feels like another Games, which is a good thing. It is the franchise's namesake, after all, and finding a way to incorporate your unique story element into a story which didn't require physically hosting a Hunger Games was a very clever touch. It doesn't feel forced, either. The movie provides a solid explanation for why the Capitol are running things how they are, and it does make sense. But the better part is that this particular 'Games' has significantly higher stakes than the previous ones. This is the future of the country on the line, rather than just a survival deathmatch. It's a lot darker now. I know, darker than kids hunting other kids, can you imagine it? A lot of really shocking stuff happens here, stuff that I certainly didn't see coming, and there are some of the best action scenes and plot-twists in the entire series in here. Well, everything except for the Mutts. Not that they were poorly executed, but I feel as though they didn't really fit in this world and they just came out of nowhere without much explanation. Maybe it's explained more in the books, but I'm not judging the books, I'm judging the movies, and as it is in here, it could have been done better.

Donald Sutherland as President Snow

The cast is in fine form for their final outing. Josh Hutcherson still walks away with the gold-medal in my eyes, and Peeta's story in this movie is just amazing. At times I've felt as though it's been him who's been the emotional center of this story and not Katniss, but we'll get to her later. In his last role before sadly passing away, Philip Seymour Hoffman delivers another exceptional, if underused, performance, as does Woody Harrelson. Elizabeth Banks is also used well here, and I feel like this is the best that Effie's been, as her final scene was genuinely emotional. Julianne Moore also really impressed me here. In Part 1 I didn't really feel the need to discuss her or her character, as I didn't know yet where they were going to take her character. I had my suspicions, and had to wait until I saw what they did with her before I could make my judgment. Having seen where they went, I like what they did with her, I like Moore's performance, and I think it makes complete and total sense for this world to have her character turn out how she did. Donald Sutherland also delivers a delightfully malicious performance after getting a glimpse of it at the end of Part 1.

Julianne Moore as President Coin

But, this is the main event, here we go: Katniss is finally an interesting character. Hallelujah, it finally happened! The Mockingjay herself, the titular character of this story is finally an interesting character on her own! Praise the Lord! It's worth noting that this is Lawrence's best performance in the role, especially by the end, but that's only a part of what makes her so compelling here. Here we finally get to see why everyone considered her the face of the rebellion, as she actually properly rebels here. A lot of it comes down to the themes discussed and the more interesting plot-twists, so I can't really discuss much of it without giving away spoilers. Just know that it's the first time she's said something along the lines of 'It's all my fault' where I've genuinely felt bad for her. As she unravels the layers of deceit, it allows her an opportunity to stand on her own and make decisions for herself that go beyond just Primrose, and though that is still a big part of it, I'm very happy what they did with Katniss by the end. Not making her suck was an inspired choice.

Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen

So, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (2015) is the best in the franchise. It just is. I know a few of my friends who dislike the Hunger Games and may or may not have seen it, and to them I say, 'Don't be teenage me.' Give it a chance. You might end up loving it. I know I have. 9.5/10.

Tomorrow: it's Terminator Genisys.

Must-See May Day #26: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

What am I missing here? I don't get it. Everyone seems to hate this movie, but honestly? I didn't mind it. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) isn't the best movie ever made, and it's far from the best Indiana Jones movie, but it's not bad. In fact, it might actually be... good. FLAME SHIELDS UP! FLAME SHIELDS UP! Just hear me out. Starring Harrison Ford as Dr. Henry 'Indiana' Jones Jr., Cate Blanchett as Colonel Dr. Irena Spalko, Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood, Ray Winstone as George 'Mac' McHale, John Hurt as Harold 'Ox' Oxley, Jim Broadbent as Charles Stanforth and Shia LaBeouf as Mutt Williams.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Alright, so where to start? Well, I'll say this: the film still feels like Indiana Jones. Some 20 years later and they've still nailed the tone of the previous films, that's something. The film doesn't take itself so seriously that it becomes a joke, but it also doesn't treat itself so much like a joke that it marginalises what came before it. The music is still as great as it's ever been, and Indy's theme is still one of my favourites in cinema. Harrison Ford is still excellent as Indiana Jones, and he hasn't lost his touch after all those years. It also just feels good to back in those classic Indiana Jones temples. The archaeology side of things has always been the thing that made these films stand apart, and this film holds true to that. It still feels like one of the serials they have always been paying homage to.

Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones

The cast is actually very impressive here. Cate Blanchett is always a great villain, and while she's not given very much to do here, she still commands authority whenever she's on screen. John Hurt is amazing in everything he's in, and it's great to see him here. I also love Jim Broadbent, and his role in this film is small, but nice. Shia LeBeouf does a great job as Mutt, and he really feels like a kid who would have existed in the 50s. I love the dynamic between him and Indy and how he really looks up to Dr. Jones whether he'll admit it or not. But it's absolutely fantastic to see Karen Allen back as Marion Ravenwood. In every Indiana Jones review since Raiders I've pointed out how every love interest just felt weak in comparison to her, so I was immensely happy to see that not only is she back, but she's just as good as she ever was. She's still a match for Indy, and the way the two bounce off each other is still great to watch.

Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood

But, okay, okay, there are problems here, stop yelling at me. To start with, while the warehouse scene at the beginning was great and really harkened back to classic Indy, the rest of the opening felt extremely disconnected with the rest of the plot. The visit to the nuclear testing city did nothing to add to the plot, not to mention the way he escapes feels like it shouldn't have worked (although it's not the most implausible escape Indy's ever had so stop acting like it killed the franchise for God's sake). The following encounter with the FBI really has no bearing on the rest of the story, apart from getting Indy to the train station to meet Mutt, but you could have just as easily had the two meet at the university and it wouldn't have changed anything.

John Hurt as Harold Oxley

The action scenes are fine, I guess, but there's nothing here that we haven't seen in Indiana Jones before, and there were no action scenes that really stand out to me as absolutely incredible. There was at least one in every Indy film prior to this, but not here. They were still enjoyable, but nothing special. I also don't know how I feel about the existence of aliens in the Indiana Jones universe. It just feels a little unnecessary, and them being aliens doesn't really impact the story in any meaningful way. I don't know, since so many people were insanely offended by the aliens thing (which still isn't that big a deal, calm down people), I feel like it could have been something different and nothing would have changed. In a similar vein, I feel as though the ending to this film was a little too clean, and it easily feels like the weakest Indiana Jones ending. Everything was wrapped up just a little to nicely for my liking, and it kinda came out of nowhere. If there'd have been a little more build-up I'd probably have been fine with it, but as it is, it just kinda confused me.

Cate Blanchett as Irena Spalko

So, what do I think of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) on the whole? Well, I did enjoy it, and I probably would watch it again, but I can still acknowledge why people might not like it as much as I do. It's the Spider-Man 3 effect, so it gets the same score from me. 5.5/10.

Tomorrow: The Hunger Games come to an end with Mockingjay - Part 2.

Must-See May Day #25: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Oh yeah. This is how you end a trilogy. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) was an absolute masterpiece, and it's easy to see how this won Best Picture. I genuinely have nothing bad to say about this movie. What a ride. Starring Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins, Ian McKellen as Gandalf the White, Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee, Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn II Elessar, Billy Boyd as Peregrin 'Pippin' Took, Dominic Monaghan as Meriadoc 'Merry' Brandybuck, John Rhys-Davies as Gimli, Orlando Bloom as Legolas Greenleaf, Bernard Hill as Theoden, Miranda Otto as Eowyn, Liv Tyler as Arwen Undomiel, Hugo Weaving as Elrond, David Wenham as Faramir, Karl Urban as Eomer, John Noble as Denethor II, Cate Blanchett as Galadriel and Andy Serkis as Smeagol/Gollum.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Alright, so the obvious stuff first. The visuals and cinematography are once again top-notch. Every shot was wonderful to look at, and the CGI is just as good as the previous film. Gollum, the dragons, the ghosts, the Eye of Sauron, it was all spectacular to look at. The soundtrack is still fire, and you better believe I'm getting the OSTs from all 3 of these movies for my collection. I absolutely love it when there are recurring motifs throughout multiple songs, and this movie has that in spades. The triumphant theme for the Fellowship, the melody that plays whenever Frodo and Sam think of the Shire, it's all just so great, and not enough soundtracks do this.

The Eye of Sauron

The cast is once again phenomenal. Elijah Wood continues to do an amazing job of bringing Frodo's struggles to life, and Frodo's journey in this movie can be downright heart-wrenching at times. Viggo Mortensen is in top form as well, as is Ian McKellan. But, let me just say this now: Samwise Gamgee might just be one of my favourite characters ever put to film. I love this little guy; his dedication, his journey, his sorrows and his joyous moments, Sean Astin does such a great job with all of them, he's just so compelling in this role. I also think that the friendship between Frodo and Sam is one of the greatest friendships in cinema. What was it... "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!" Such a great line for such a great friendship, and that was one moment among many that almost had me welling up with tears. Pieces of media don't make me cry easily, so that's a big feat.

Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee and Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins

I think perhaps the best thing this movie does is function as an ending. Oftentimes, if a final chapter to a story is unsatisfactory, the whole package just seems hollow, and this is thankfully not the case here. It was just so goddamn satisfying, and as it was all coming together and peoples' stories were ending, nothing left me wanting more. All of my questions were answered, all of the stories came together, all of the strands reached their ends, and the film even answered some questions I wasn't expecting answers to. I'm glad the film took some time to show us how the journey affected Frodo, as moments like that are the things that make it seem like stories matter, and weren't just another thing that happened in the lives of the characters involved. Nobody who went on this adventure ended it the same person they were when they began, and those are the stories worth telling.

Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn

I feel like I need to address a couple of criticisms this film likes to get and explain why I didn't have a problem with them overall. The first one is that there were so many battles and, really... there weren't. There was the one big battle and then a couple of little ones. That was it. Besides, they're entertaining, so who cares? The other criticism people have is that the film ends several times, and while I think the editing doesn't quite help with that, again, I like that it showed how the journey affected people. I like seeing what happened to Aragorn, I like seeing Bilbo again, I like Frodo's resolution, and I especially like ending things at the Shire, which is a nice bookend to the whole trilogy. If the film ended as soon as everyone was reunited, it wouldn't have felt complete. This way, it does. Let me put it this way: the proper ending to this film actually made me cry. I mentioned before how hard a film has to work just to get me to well up, so the fact that actual tears were shed here means that they ended it on exactly the right note.

Ian McKellan as Gandalf the White

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) is the perfect ending to this trilogy of movies. Is it better than The Two Towers? I'm not sure yet, but I feel confident in calling it one of my favourite films ever made. 10/10.

Tomorrow: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Must-See May Day #24: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

Oh, my God, this f***ing movie. This is awful. I don't think I have the appropriate words to describe my hatred for this piece of utter garbage. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011) is the definition of boring and unnecessary. I don't care that I'm not the target audience, I'm still allowed to have an opinion. And my opinion is that this is the worst. Starring Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black, Peter Facinelli as Carlisle Cullen, Elizabeth Reaser as Esme Cullen, Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen, Kellan Lutz as Emmett Cullen, Nikki Read as Rosalie Hale, Jackson Rathbone as Jasper Hale and Billy Burke as Charlie Swan.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

Jesus Christ, where do I begin? Well, I'll start with this: this 2 hour movie could easily have been done in 30 minutes. I'm serious. This could all have been done in Act 1 of a movie. This is what I was expecting from the 'split the last book into 2 movies' trend; it's pathetically obvious this was split up for the sake of the money. The movie doesn't even try to hide it. There are sequences of this movie that drag out for the most unnecessary reasons. Bella's walk down the aisle lasts 2 minutes. 2 F***ING MINUTES! I don't care that this is what it's all been leading towards and this was the moment so many fans were looking forward to, nobody needs two minutes to walk 10 metres. The actual 'plot' of this movie doesn't even begin until about the halfway mark. Everything before that is effectively padding. It's stretching out the runtime to the point where we need a montage of Edward withholding sex from Bella on their honeymoon (which features 3 different games of chess), only for them to get it on in the very next scene for no discernable reason. Apparently, in the book, that sequence took up two whole chapters. Good God, this is the kind of stuff you cut OUT for the final movie. You don't need to make two movies just so you can keep the chess games.

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan

Oh, and the plot itself? Classic example of the Twilight syndrome. What's the Twilight syndrome, I hear you ask? It's when a movie takes a story or a situation that should be interesting, but makes it boring as sin somehow. A human gets pregnant with a half-vampire baby that's slowly killing her from the inside. That should be an amazing story, or at the very least an interesting one. And, meanwhile the werewolf pack are having somewhat of a coup over said baby and want to stop it from being born so they decide to kill the mother, this should be great to watch. But it just isn't. There are specific moments that are interesting, and in the past I've given the Twilight franchise points for said sequences, but I think I'm numb to it at this point. This movie doesn't get a pass. It's the only way it'll learn. No, these plots are wasted on characters that you don't care about and the focus is put on a relationship that doesn't interest you, so the whole thing falls apart. Even the cool werewolf treason has such a dissatisfying ending so as to make the entire plotline entirely pointless. Nothing changes. The balance doesn't change. The movie just makes up a new rule completely out of nowhere and just like that everything's fine. No stakes, no consequences, no nothing.

Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black

Oh, and did I mention that the characters are boring as f***? Because they are. Bella and Edward's relationship continues to be bland as anything, and even though the two actors are trying now, the damage has been done. Besides, the movie doesn't give the two anything interesting to do, so it's irrelevant. Jacob's just as whiny as he's always been, but this movie somehow finds a way to make it even more creepy. Why does he fall in love with a baby? The movie tries to pass it off as a 'protector' kind of thing, but earlier films (and scenes from this film) make it clear what happened: he fell in love with a baby. You can't come back from that. Someone wrote that. Someone thought that it was a good idea to put pen to paper that a werewolf fell in love with a human-vampire hybrid baby. It's just as creepy as it was when you heard about it the first time. The other members of the Cullen household are almost pathetically sidelined here, despite most of the action taking place in their own house. This movie even commits the cardinal sin and makes Charlie Swan, the only legitimately great character in this franchise, completely useless. He does nothing. He barely says anything. he hardly has any screentime. You done f***ed up now, movie. You done f***ed up now.

Billy Burke as Charlie Swan

And then there's the final matter and that's simply that this movie is poorly made. It's a poorly made movie. True, the werewolves look a little better than they did when they first appeared in this series, but they still look horrible. And I would like to travel back in time just so I could kill the person who thought that the CGI baby was a good idea, but it goes beyond the CGI. I kept noticing little mistakes that I just couldn't look past. Like in the first scene where the guy in the wheelchair reaches down to pick something up and his leg clearly moves of its own accord. Or when we see Bella looking in a mirror and her reflection moves independent of her actual person. Or when Bella gets bitten by something and it causes blood to appear, but in the very next shot there's no blood and there never was again for the rest of the scene. I'm sorry, this is just inexcusable. It's not that hard to shoot a movie to avoid all these inconsistencies. This movie made over 5 times as much money as was in its budget. Over $700 million and this is the end result? How does a movie this bad make over $700 million? I want to make $700 million for making the cinematic equivalent of a child drawing stick figures that are just heads with lines coming out of them and they're all different sizes and there are errors everywhere. Because that's what this movie is. It's just uninteresting people doing things for 2 hours. Not even interesting things. They should be interesting things, but they're not.

A CGI abomination as Renesme Cullen (this made $700 million!!!)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011) made me angry. It made me very, very angry. There's only been one movie I've ever reviewed that made me as angry as this. And this movie gets the exact same treatment. 0/10. Oh, God, there's another one of these, isn't there? F***!

Tomorrow: we enter the final week of Must-See May, with one film left in every franchise. We kick things off by returning to Middle Earth for the last time in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.

Must-See May Day #23: Prometheus (2012)

I... I... I genuinely don't know about this one. This is actually the hardest review I've ever had to write, since it's been half an hour since the movie finished and I still don't know what I think of it. Do I like it? Do I hate it? Is it a strange combination of the two? I mean, I was entertained, but I also got a little angry, so... I don't know. Prometheus (2012) is just such a bizarre movie, you could rate this anywhere from 0 to 10 and on some level I'd agree with you. But what do I think of it? ... I don't know. Starring Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw, Michael Fassbender as David, Guy Pearce as Peter Weyland, Idris Elba as Janek, Logan Marshall-Green as Charlie Holloway and Charlize Theron as Meredith Vickers.

Prometheus (2012)

Okay, let's tackle the obvious stuff first. The aspects of the film that don't confuse me so much. The look of the movie is fantastic. The visuals are stunning, and it's a really good feeling to finally watch a movie like this that has legitimately beautiful CGI effects. Other movies this month have had them, sure, but this is the most consistent with their use. There are a few practical effects as well, and they work just as well, but it's the blend between the two that impressed me the most. The film also has really great moments of tension and scares. The surgery scene in particular might even be one of the best sequences I've seen all month. I say 'moments of tension and scares' because, looking back, there weren't an awful lot of action scenes. There were a couple, and they were great as well, but this plays more like a horror film than it does an action movie, and in that sense, it succeeds wonderfully.

Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw

But, let's get this out of the way: the cast is truly the best thing in this movie. Practically every main actor here shines. Noomi Rapace is fantastic in this leading role, and the movie does a great job of showing off her character throughout the film. Idris Elba is also great, as usual, and Logan Marshall-Green is great in his role as well. Both of them have a great balance of drama and humour, and they really help the film not seem so dreary. But, let me just say what everyone else has already said: Michael Fassbender is the best actor in this movie. I am in love with this man. He was fantastic as Magneto, but this might just be his best performance I've seen, and David is easily the best android character of the month so far. He's layered, he's mysterious, he's charming, he's got a sense of childlike wonder, he's just got everything. I could gush about this performance forever, but everyone else already has, so we're moving on.

Michael Fassbender as David

But now we get to the stuff that makes this such a difficult review to write, for there are an awful lot of things not to like about this film. First of all, terrible old-man make-up. I'll just leave it at that. Secondly, at times the plot can get too convoluted for its own good. There are so many plot threads weaving throughout the film and they try to rope a philosophical debate in as well, and it just doesn't work. These films have always benefitted from a simpler story, and over-complicating things just means no one can keep up. I think the writers could also have benefitted from a simpler story, as at times the plot is either contradictory, open-ended or makes no f***ing sense whatsoever. Also, bit of a tip if you're going to make a prequel years and years in the future: make sure that the technology also looks like it's from before the previous films, not years and years later. Sure, it all looked nice, but they shouldn't have the technology since it's set before the older movies. Am I... am I overexplaining this? Sounds pretty simple to me.

Charlize Theron as Meredith Vickers and Idris Elba as Janek

Oh, yeah, and this is a prequel. Yeah, you might have been wondering why this film is in my Franchises month, but it is in fact an Alien prequel. Which is perhaps the most confusing and the most infuriating thing about the film. If this was a disconnected sci-fi horror everything would have been fine, but the creatures in this movie have almost no connection to the Xenomorphs we see in the Alien movies. That is, except for the final scene where we see, presumably, the first proper Xenomorph get made. So... that would suggest they were saving the reveal as a surprise. Except that the title card references Alien, the creatures have acidic blood like in Alien and they gestate in peoples' stomachs like in Alien. And, yet, everything else is so intrinsically not Alien. I don't even get it. Does this film imply the Xenomorphs are a product of a bio-weapon? So, they're artificial? Or did they always exist? But what was that guy drinking at the beginning... argh! I never wanted to know the origins of the Xenomorphs! I was happy with them just having evolved as nature's perfect killer, I didn't need all this convoluted bulls***. I'm willing to look past it somewhat in this film, but if the future Alien movies keep going down this route, I will not be happy.

Logan Marshall-Green as Charlie Holloway

So, what do I think of Prometheus (2012)? Well, while it was entertaining, and I probably would watch it again, that would be a situation in which I'd just turn my brain off, not think about anything and just be entertained. It's not a good film overall. It's not a bad film overall. It's both. Everyone is right about this movie. 5/10.

Tomorrow: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1.