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| The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 |
Seriously, I need to take this movie scene by scene just to show you how reprehensible I find this film. I'd say 'spoiler alert' but I honestly don't give a f*** at this point. So, we open the film after Bella has been turned into a vampire and we get some scenes of her hunting and trying to control her thirst. At this point, I'd like to play devil's advocate and say that this is the best Kristen Stewart has been in the role. She's not moping around or acting all emo and she's finally an interesting character, as she can't control her thirst and starts hunting a human. But, oh wait, but then she suddenly can for some reason, and that's the end of that. ...Okay. Then they discuss what to do about Charlie, and the best thing they can come up with is to tell him Bella died and then move away. Jacob, not wanting that to happen since he imprinted on Renesmee, which is still super f***ing creepy, by the way, reveals himself as a werewolf to Charlie. And right when that exchange was getting interesting the scene just ends and that's the end of that. ...Okay. The Cullens try to teach Bella how to appear human to Charlie even though she's only been a vampire for about a day and shouldn't have to be taught this stuff but never mind, and she and Charlie have a conversation that ultimately amounts to 'I can't tell you what happened but something did happen and you can't ask me about it', which means Jacob revealing himself to Charlie was entirely pointless, since Bella didn't reveal her supernatural nature so there was no reason for Jacob to do so. ...Okay.
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| Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan |
We see Renesmee growing up incredibly fast, which they claim to be a problem for staying covert in the area. Then, one of the vampires sees Renesmee and assumes she is an 'Immortal Child' without asking any questions. What's an Immortal Child? Well, since this is the 5th entry in the franchise, of course it's only now that we learn about this incredibly important aspect of vampire lore. Look, I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. Say what you will about other franchises like Harry Potter or even The Hunger Games, but at least they gave you all the information you needed to know early so that their finales could function as finales. Here it just seems like s*** was made up as the author went along, and no thought was put into how it would all work as a package which, let's be honest, is exactly the case here. So, now the awesome Volturi from that one scene in this entire franchise that I genuinely enjoyed are scared of a f***ing one-year-old, so they decide to wait an awfully long time before making their move, allowing the Cullens to amass an army of their own and gain the upper hand. Why do they do this? I don't know, ask the writers. Oh, wait, they don't know either.
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| Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen |
So, the middle chunk of the movie is essentially a whole bunch of vampires coming together, learning that Renesmee is no threat and waiting around for the Volturi to come so they can attempt to reason with them or fight them if need be. And what's the super important Renesmee doing this whole time? Nothing. F***ing nothing except sometimes being swapped out for that ugly CGI monstrosity, and that is a huge problem. The entire movie is focused around protecting Renesmee, but if we don't know her personality or who she is as a character, then we can't make a connection and the movie becomes trivial. The Volturi might be right. Renesmee could be a danger to them, but we don't know because we never find out who Renesmee is. Oh, and it's also at this point that Bella just gives up on the whole 'My dad can't know' thing, as she's now allowing Charlie to have extended contact with a year-old Renesmee who looks 10 years old and no one bats a f***ing eyelid. Seriously, the middle section of this movie is so f***ing boring. It also doesn't help that the vampire brethren that we meet FOR THE FIRST TIME are not given enough time to connect with us either. We don't learn a thing about any of them, beyond whatever convenient vampire power they've been given. Seriously, they're not even trying anymore. A vampire that can control the elements, or make people see whatever they want them to see? How is this a contest? This fight should be over in a second with people like that on their side!
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| Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black |
Speaking of which, the last part of the movie begins with a fight scene between the Cullens and the werewolves, and the Volturi and it's... okay. I mean, it doesn't help that we don't know anyone on screen, but it's... good enough. Some entertaining things happen, there are consequences, people die, and it's gotten to the point where things actually happening in a Twilight movie is a breath of fresh air. Until, oh wait, until we reveal that none of it was actually happening and it was just one of Alice's visions to the Volturi. ... They actually went there? They actually did the whole 'it was all a dream' schtick? Because, that's what that plot device is: a schtick. It's not clever, it's not interesting, it's just a gimmick. Yeah, because God forbid something actually happened in one of these movies. Thank God there are no consequences or stakes or anything. And then, another two people that, again, WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE come out of nowhere and diffuse the situation. Okay, se where were they in the vision? Were they just waiting back while their allies died? And, moreover, why did Aro, upon seeing the vision, not say, 'Thanks, now we know which tactics not to use in this battle'? He just changes his mind for no f***ing reason! But, never mind that, we have Bella and Edward's happy ending and Jacob's really bizarre line where he basically says that he's already starting thinking of Renesmee as his wife which is just the final nail in the coffin for that whole subplot, and then we literally get a storybook ending which ends with what I can only assume are the final lines of the book literally shown to us on screen. But, the movie doesn't stop outraging me there. We then get 13 F***ING MINUTES of credits, the bulk of which are a painfully slow sign-off on everyone who has ever appeared in any Twilight movie, with at least 2 seconds of footage for each. Why is this so reprehensible to me? Because the first 3 minutes of this film already began with a painfully slow credit-roll for the cast of the current movie! To me, that says one thing: they knew. They f***ing knew they didn't have enough content to fill two movies, and instead of doing something like making the supporting characters interesting or expand upon the interesting ideas like Bella not being able to control her thirst or Charlie finding stuff out, which you'd think he would being a f***ing police officer and everything, but they instead chose to add padding. They chose to bloat this story out to two full movies when even as one movie this wouldn't have been a very compelling story. That is actually insulting to me. This movie made even more money than the previous, so it worked. And that's even worse.
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| Michael Sheen as Aro |
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012) is despicable. It's flat-out garbage. For the one or two scenes that started out interesting, I can't say it's as bad as Part 1, but it still doesn't deserve any respect from me. 0.5/10. Thank God this franchise is finally behind me.
Tomorrow: Alien: Covenant.
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