Super-Cember #17: Batman and Robin (1997)

(Originally posted December 17th, 2017)

I'm not sure if it's just because my expectations were so incredibly low, but I didn't hate Batman & Robin (1997) as much as I thought I would. Okay, I still disliked it, it's clearly not a good movie, but it always gets talked up as one of the worst comic-book movies ever made and... I don't see it. It's just a stupid, dumb, lame movie. Nothing offensive, nothing too moronic, just plain bad. Starring George Clooney as Bruce Wayne/Batman, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dr. Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze, Chris O'Donnell as Dick Grayson/Robin, Uma Thurman as Dr. Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy and Alicia Silverstone as Barbara Gordon/Batgirl.

Batman & Robin (1997)

I was so confused watching the opening action scene in this movie. Not because it was hard to follow or completely idiotic, but while it was a little idiotic, I was still entertained by it. It led me to believe, and I'm sure this is the case, that this movie was more based off the Adam West Batman show than the comics themselves. There would have been nothing wrong with that; a movie like that would be supremely entertaining. The problem I had was since this takes place in the same universe as the previous Batman movies, it makes no sense contextually. If you wanted to do a movie like this, it needed to be separate from what we got with Michael Keaton, and it would have been fine. That's what I THOUGHT, anyway. But then we get Batman and Robin surfing on broken rocket doors from 30 000 ft in the air, and all those thoughts went out the window. This movie could not work even out of context. It's just stupid. And, believe me, I don't have time to go into all the moronic plot holes I found, so let's just move on.

Robert "Jeep" Swenson as Bane

George Clooney was the wrong choice for Batman. No matter how you look at it, he's just miscast. Whenever he was in that Bat costume, you could tell he was uncomfortable. He never delivered any quips with the confidence you'd want, and it felt like he knew himself how stupid this movie was going to be, so he didn't put much effort in. However, and this may sound strange, but he might have been a great pick for Bruce Wayne. I don't know how, but Clooney's presence really helps whenever he's not wearing that cowl. Okay, it doesn't save the movie, not by a long shot, but it was something I wasn't expecting. Any scenes with him and Alfred in particular were some of the movie's best, and we'll get to Alfred later, trust me. Chris O'Donnell's once again fine when he's not just whining about everything which, unfortunately, is about 80% of his lines. Alicia Silverstone... showed up. That's the best I can put it. It never feels like she's acting here. She's playing the niece of a British butler who, herself, lives in England, and she couldn't even attempt an English accent? This was a beyond bland performance.

George Clooney as Batman and Chris O'Donnell as Robin

But the gold medal for 'Worst Acting I've Ever Seen' goes to Uma Thurman. This is an Oscar-nominated actress, and not one line was believable. Not one. That's actually kind of impressive in its own right. Not a single line out of her mouth felt real. She's clearly going for one of those eccentric, insane villains that we've seen in the past, somewhere between Catwoman and The Riddler. But she doesn't have the conviction to pull it off. Maybe she just wasn't given enough direction, maybe she didn't believe in her own performance, maybe she signed the contract before reading the script and gave this performance in protest. Whatever the case, it's bad. And, it's actually the worst thing about this movie. Yes, worse than the roughly 10 million plot inconsistencies, because there was A line that legitimately made me laugh, and not just because of how over-the-top cheesy it was. Comparatively, not one thing Poison Ivy says had me thinking this wasn't the worst acting I'd ever seen.

Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy

One of the best things about this film is definitely Arnie as Mr. Freeze. His plan's dumb, his lines are stupid and his backstory is generic, but Arnie somehow embraces it all and channels it into his performance. One of the strange things is, for how cheesy the villain is and for all the one-liners he was spewing, when the character had to just stop and take in the emotion of a moment, usually relating to his wife, I actually found myself really engrossed in the role. It was another thing I really didn't expect. I'd heard so much about how Schwarzenegger hams up the role, and really, he does, but he never let an emotional moment go to waste. It was such a weird dichotomy that, again, I didn't see coming, and it pleasantly surprised me. Good for you, movie, for making me feel some sort of legitimate emotion for Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Also, the one-liners? Yes, they were corny, yes, they got annoying, but it's Arnie. It's kind of his thing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze

Going into this, I knew what Alfred's role was in the movie: to get sick. I'd heard a lot of the 'Oh, no, not the butler' jokes. But, this was by far the strongest aspect of the film for me. Maybe because I love Alfred so much, and Michael Gough's performance has been pitch perfect throughout all of these movies. I got genuinely upset when he got ill, and I knew it was coming. Combine that with the relationship between Bruce and Alfred, and there was a really great movie somewhere here. If this had been purely a story about how important Alfred is to Bruce, cut out everything else and really develop that story, this might have been a serious contender. There were some really great themes about how death is something you can't fight, and it might not even be something you should fight, and death isn't a defeat; those are really compelling ideas, especially for a Batman movie. In fact, I have a pitch for how to make this movie great. So, instead of handing over the cure for McGregor's syndrome, Freeze smashes it, destroying all hope of Alfred getting better. After a heart-to-heart with Bruce, Alfred dies, and Bruce is left to realise that Alfred won: he did his job and raised Bruce into the hero he is today, and Bruce realises he doesn't need Alfred anymore. This could have been a great story about acceptance and not fighting death when one's time comes, and it would have made perfect sense talking about this in the context of Batman. Sadly, the movie's called 'Batman & Robin', so instead, we got this.

Michael Gough as Alfred Pennyworth

And what is Batman & Robin (1997)? A bad movie with a few good elements that don't redeem the overwhelmingly bad parts. It's definitely not the worst thing I've ever seen, as I saw potential in here for something greater. That said, I wouldn't watch it again, excepting, of course, when watching it with friends for the sole intent of making fun of it. Oh, this is one of those bad movies that's so fun to sh*t all over, and I actually really want to at some point. 3/10.

Tomorrow: we return to the web-slinger with The Amazing Spider-Man.