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| The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) |
So, the long and short of it is that this entire franchise still runs on the expectation that you care about the romance. What does it do to make you care? Barely anything, in fact, the movie goes out of its way to get you to hate the romance. Why? Because now they're trying to force a love triangle, and it might just be the stupidest f***ing thing on the planet. The movie tries to make you sympathetic towards Jacob to make the whole thing work, but honestly, Jacob is the worst character in this entire film. He's like that guy who says, "Do you love me? No? Ahh, you love me. I know better for you than you do." Yeah, that guy. Those guys are the worst. Jacob is the worst. Like when he kisses Bella without her consent and despite the fact that she's made it abundantly clear that she's in love with Edward. In the real world, that guy would have been ostracised, but here it's a love triangle. Stupid movie. Stupid, stupid movie. At least Taylor Lautner is still trying his best, but it's nowhere near enough.
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| Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black |
As for Bella and Edward themselves? Eh. I mean, the film still does nothing to show that they're in love beyond the characters just saying they're in love, but, I'll give them this: at least Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are putting in a little more effort now. Instead of 0% chemistry, now there's about 10%. Granted, we need there to be roughly, oh..., 100% for the romance to work, but it's a start. And I can hear all of Bella's lines now, so we've fixed that issue. However, there's still the far bigger issue that neither Bella nor Edward is an interesting character, so it's still a slog to get through. The other characters are still the same. Bella's dad is still the best thing these movies have going for them, and I remember 2 genuine laughs he gave me. But I think the movie's biggest sin overall is casting Bryce Dallas Howard and then making her terrible. I don't know what happened here. I like Bryce Dallas Howard, but here she was awful. Not only was it extremely noticeable that they swapped the actor out for some reason, but... I don't know, her performance just seemed off, as if this time she was the one not trying out of protest. Fair enough, I suppose, but still... odd.
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| Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan and Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen |
Okay, well, what's better about this film compared to New Moon? Well, there's actually a story now. Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. Things actually happen in this film. Granted, by the end of the movie the characters are still in the exact same place they started in, but still, the plot tried to engage me. There were interesting things happening. The 'Newborns' angle was an interesting route to take. If it didn't comprise less than 20% of the movie overall, I might have enjoyed it more, but still, it's something. We also get some backstory on how 2 out of 7 of the Cullen clan became vampires. Weird to just do two, but fine, and what we get there is actually fairly interesting as well. If it actually contributed to the story in any meaningful way, it would have been a lot better, but again, it's something. We do get a fight scene at the end as well, and again, it was fairly entertaining as well. We get some classic monster v monster action, and aside from one or two places where things got a little shaky and confusing to follow, it was a solid watch. I could probably have used more of it than what we got, but once again, it's something. I actually think that's the best way to describe this movie: it's something.
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| Bryce Dallas Howard as Victoria Sutherland |
And, yet, there were still some things that ended up being worse than New Moon, and I think it boiled down to this. Regardless of how boring and pointless and uneventful New Moon was, I will go to my grave defending the Volturi scene at the end. If you remember, I actually adored that scene in the previous movie, and I was waiting for a similar scene in this one. But, nope. Not one scene even came close. Edward and Jacob have an interesting conversation that feels like the best we were going to get, but nothing reached the heights of that Volturi scene from last time, which is a shame since some of the Volturi were actually in this movie. Michael Sheen wasn't there, and that might have been why I wasn't interested, since the other Volturi members they use aren't nearly as interesting. Dakota Fanning looks like she's acting in her sleep here. Think about that, though. They took the one enjoyable scene from the previous film and... just did nothing with it. And, even still, the fact that not one individual scene left any sort of impact on me other than boredom or rage? That's a problem.
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| Dakota Fanning as Jane Volturi |
So, you can see the bind I'm in, right? Was The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) better than New Moon or worse? One had a marginally better story, the other had a hands-down more impressive scene... eh, let's just call it a tie. Not that it means much. F*** both of these movies. 1.5/10.
Tomorrow: the uprising begins in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1.
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